It is my norm to set aside Margaret and my first liaison and wedding anniversary day for a very special occasion. This auspicious event occurs on the 18 February, it being our 21st and 26th anniversary respectively. My main aim in so doing is to go big and make it memorable. I usually succeed but the quandary always is whether to throw money at it – flowers, champagne, dream meal, romantic setting, double dose Viagra (for her of course), new triple speed vibrator, etc. etc.
Or, to go on an epic adventure.
I could not resolve the dilemma satisfactorily so I decided to do both. And so it was done.
To make the adventure more sociable I gathered together a motley crew of 3 unfit, underprepared and inexperienced mates of whom only 2 had any big wall experience many years ago.
So let’s start with the fact that we had only two head torches between the 5 of us.
It started badly: at 02h00 on Wednesday 17th Lucy – age 5 - came through to the marital suite completely beside herself because she woke up in a state of despair that “hairy hairy”was leaving her.
That was not the end of it; Nick our 11 year old son (almost 12) woke up as we were about to leave at 05h00 and burst into tears because he was missing out on his unalienable right to 15 minutes preschool cuddles. Ho hum. Yawn!
We were strong, we were resolved and we prevailed and left them in their misery deciding we would leave in abeyance the decision as to whether they should undergo trauma counseling now or later.
SMSes to our mates, coffee and we were off. Things went spiffingly for a while: We all met on time at the Du Toit’s kloof lodge and Margaret and I left our van there as it was ready to whisk us off to the romantic chapter of our anniversary. Animated conversation saw us hike the trail to the base in just 100minutes. That’s fast, even for seasoned Yellowwood regulars. We made tea and set off for the start:
Charles racking up- Robert waiting
Margaret donning her harness
I led off, followed by Margaret and Mark Straughan who struggled on the short approach traverse to the beginning of the climbing. This was a bad omen but thought “let’s see how it goes”. He then proceeded to weight the rope – a very skinny 8.1mm ice-floss rope - on more than one occasion but the first belay ledge was attained uneventfully. Deon and Robert followed as a separate party and I only found out some two days later that Robert had taken a 5 m fall on the traverse when a foot hold broke.
I started up the 2nd pitch (grade 20) marking critical foot holds with chalk. Again the rope was tested and stretched – this time by both Margaret and Mark - despite leaving several slings for assistance. My belay, consisting of an RP3 and a marginal rock 1 and the friction of my butt would have been viewed with disdain by any self respecting mountain guide. (Despite Mark having shed some 17kg and the nom de plume of Jelly Belly bestowed on him by his kids in the last 12 months since he became psychotic about climbing, he is still no light weight!)
When Margaret reached the belay said to me at this very early stage that the climbing was way too hard for her and Mark and that she was not having fun. I gave her my best dead pan poker face look of empathy and decided to bide my time.
Margaret noshing sweets at the 2nd stance
RP3 belay above her!
It appears Mark was already cramping so badly while sitting on the ledge below that there were several minutes’ delay before he could get up. He, according to Deon, was dead locked in a sitting position and could not move. I thought it quite comic really.
I quietly thought about the fact that we were about a rope length above the deck and this would be a good time to bail or at least lower Mark to the ground.
Mark attained the ledge after going off route way left but managed not fall off and swing dangerously into the corner where he would have smashed a wrist or broken his ribs. Of course there was a minor epic hauling the pack which tangled in Mark’s rope as I belayed him.
Mark chirpy as always finishing pitch 2:
Note the cramped fingers of his right hand.
A passage in MacFarlane’s book, Mountains of the Mind came to me then:
Deon on the second belay: He is still having fun 
Mark’s enthusiasm infected Margaret inappropriately i.e. positively and I set up off the next pitch saying deceitfully that the climbing gets easier.
Charles leading off on pitch 3.
Margaret starting the pitch: is she smiling?:
I left aid slings again and made the next ledge. Margaret battled, Mark struggled and Robert whimpered – a little - while passing by the large loose flake that had completely terrorized Margaret a few minutes before. I watched bemused from above. Deon later trundled it. The noise of a massive rocks crashing down was very off putting for Margaret and added another dimension to being psyched out. The block was so big you could smell the cordite-like smell wafting up. 5 Klipspringer bokkies were seen bolting away.
stance
Deon following pitch 3
Mark: Grimace or Smile and Margaret belaying on the next pitch
The next pitch was more forgiving and was free climbed by everyone except Mark as he passed the Monster jammed in flake.
Margaret on Pitch 4 waving??? 
Mark bypassing the monster flake and
stretching his cramping hands 
I went up the next right facing corner and made a hanging stance short of the jumbo ledge so I could see Mark and Margaret and give them beta.
Mark and Margaret at the 4th stance: Note Marks cramped posture:
Deon coming past the Humongous flake 
By this time my hands were really sore from hauling my climbing partners on very skinny ropes and I was also cramping. We were only half way up. We then more easily attained the face below the Krakadouw type cracks on the right and an exit gully on the left.
We waited and Deon and Robert did not appear. The sun was frying us by now and Mark started replacing “s” with “th” as his tongue swelled from dehydration. He did not dare sit down for fear of cramping and he laughed with glee as he had to pull his fingers straight with his teeth. (He stayed on his feet till we got to the car at about 01h00!)
We shouted and yelled and when more time passed, I decided to abseil down. I found Robert and Deon in a hanging stance off route to the right. I could not contain my frustration and let out several choice expletives…..
Of course that does not facilitate anything and Deon gave me back as good as I gave threatening to jump off the mountain. After some more fucking around we all assembled at the base of the gully.
We having fun yet? Shade at last!
I decided to go for the gully on the left as it seemed a little easier than cracks on pristine rock to the right and I headed up the first section that started on excellent rock for about 15m. But then I was faced with a very tricky move – probably grade 19 – with a 10m run out and a deck fall. Robert was leading behind me and he would not be comfortable doing this. I did the move feeling very gripped and continued up the gully that became chossy with dangerous loose rocks but got to a stance at full rope stretch 60m above.
I belayed Robert past the tricky bit and we all made the top safely.
The end is nigh….
Another mishap occurred then. I coiled the ropes and sent Mark and Margaret ahead to scramble the last 60m to the top. They went further east than what I did and got stuck. The way I went was also very tricky and I was pleased they did not come this way. Little did I know. I did not find them and haired off to the top only to reverse with very sore toes in my cramped climbing shoes. I found them and threw down a rope to belay them.
After some more delays because Mark, who was completely trashed by now, insisted on carrying a rope – he could barely talk and walk – reached the abseil chains on Down Time. The first abseil is probably one of the most exciting and scary abseils anyone can do. It goes over major overhangs and one dangles free from the cliff 200m above the deck. The first one to descend must place gear to keep the rope against the rock and the second set of chains is at a point where there is less than 30cm left of the rope!
Both Mark and Margaret reached the ledge completely shattered but by now I knew that things were on a winning streak. Short of getting our ropes stuck we would get down before dark. Deon made the dry comment that “Die son trek water, mense’’. I was calm but tense and very focused. I forgot that there was limited experience amongst my partners when it came to handling ropes and flying off into space on abseils.
I used the second set of ropes to reach the halfway ledge and I rushed down the next rappel on the first set of ropes forgetting to remind Robert about the ropes twisting when pulling the ropes from the second set of chains. They got stuck. We now only had one set left!
Meanwhile, a side show was going on at the halfway ledge and Deon wrote this: .” 
“We were trying to free the ropes after the second abseil and were concerned that with all the tugging we would knock a rock off the ledge onto you guys.
Robert then picked up the rock and moved it to the left of the ledge to get it out the way only to reveal a black scorpion. I then moved it aside with an alien and we noted it in the middle of the ledge as we continued tugging away. We also did not want to it toss over the ledge in case it landed on you. You then advised us via cellphone to move to the left of the ledge and to free the ropes from the side. Our problem then was that the scorpion was not to be seen anymore so we found ourselves tugging at ropes with a scorpion on the loose.
The third abseil ends on a tiny ledge that was extremely crowded with the five of us and it was almost pitch dark and only 2 torches between us. I went down that last abseil which ends about 10m above the ground on a tiny foot rail whence one must scramble down. Deon and Margaret both struggled with this so Robert and Mark abseiled to a slightly higher ledge where there was an abseil point. But the second set of ropes got stuck after pulling it down for a few metres. Fortune smiled and there was just enough rope for them to get to the ground with stretch.
We composed ourselves.
Tea, water and food followed and at least it was cool.
I found a large dram of Malt whisky that I had left on a previous visit with Dave Vallet and this lifted our spirits.
And then – armed with only 2 torches – we embarked on the arduous, strenuous, tenuous and tedious scramble down to the car which took us 3 hours. There was to be one final mishap. Margaret needed to wee and at the time we were on a very steep and narrow part of the trail. She went ahead a few metres and all torches were switched off. Things seemed fine till she got up only to find that she had missed the trail but not her pants that flapped wet against her legs all the way down. We all fell over, ruined our shins and grabbed spiky bushes more than once. We drank beers at the van and I had to hand over the driving to Margaret as I could not stay awake- she ultimately proved the be the strongest one! We had been at it for 23 hours non-stop!
The next day Margaret and I went to Karoo1 Hotel and Village aka Karbonaatjies Kraal where we had a stellar romantic interlude under a star-lit sky with the milky way seeming almost touchable. I undeniably proved that for your relationship to last with your wife you must multi-fuckup – preferably with her along as a victim - and follow this up with great sex. Girls you must ensure you send your boys out climbing and multi-fuck-upping and then….. well, you know the answer.
There are at least five lessons to be learnt:
- Never take anyone on a trip like this who on the one hand has only done Arrow Final on a top rope but who has extreme resolve, tenacity, endurance, staying power, fortitude, stamina, paraatness, steadfastness, determination, doggedness, perseverance, single mindedness and persistence to top out on Yellowwood and extend the day so he could share the first couple of hours of Margaret and my anniversary. (I am talking here about Mark Straughan). He surpassed himself indeed.
- When you think you are not having fun, you actually are having some of the best fun you ever will.
- When you are immersed in an epic adventure such as this, do not bail – ever! If you keep it together you will ultimately bring the out the best in your friends and yourself and you will realize that you can conjure up more strength than you ever thought you had. From the departure points of “I can’t or won’t” and “never again” you will change to “I can” and “I will”!
- No matter how tired and sore you are, you can still go on and celebrate your anniversary in romantic style under a star-lit sky on the same day.
- And you have to do this kind of thing if you want a set of buns and legs like this at the age of 46:
The challenge is out there for any group of mates. 5 of us climbed a 9 pitch route of 240m height on the main wall of Yellowwood in a day from
1 comment:
My life feels "more intensely lived" just having read about your adventure. Thanks for the good story.
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